[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
You Might Also Like
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.