Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.