@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!