it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.