Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
The Punning Dead.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no