“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!