The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”