my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Previously On Persistence 😎
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate