In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Um … Hot Wings please
❤️🦆
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?