Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Good morning, Twitter x
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.