of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Thursday Thought.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
just gave your address to some spiders
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.