Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.