Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
good work, everybody
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.