fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.