[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Time for evil
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck