Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.