Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.