It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.