HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.