Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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Me: Same
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Happy thanksgiving
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: