For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.