Cats (2019)
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
These are too funny not to post 😂
did it work