Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
peeping toms
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby