“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.