I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery