I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
You Might Also Like
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I have never related to a cat more
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.