The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Meeeee too!
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.