Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…