Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.