My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
#TopTip
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second