#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.