A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand