I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
You Might Also Like
She: I like Cats
He:
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My dad.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler