Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
You Might Also Like
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today