How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake