BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”