Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
2022 will be better than 2021
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..