Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Webb. James Webb.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.