my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
In banana years, I am bread.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.