Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!