If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.