“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You Might Also Like
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me trying to look natural in photos
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.