[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
We found love in a hopeless place.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
A game married people play.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Guantanamo Bae