Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
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*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I can’t stop watching this.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)