You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Always…
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
my name if I was in the mob
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
our love story in four pictures
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.