what day is it?
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Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?