Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids