If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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relationship goals
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.