Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.