I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
You Might Also Like
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Yes
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
fr
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.